Thursday, September 9, 2010

Plans...and News

I have been a single mom for the past six years...and for any of you counting, yes, my baby is six years old. He went into first grade this year. sniff, sniff.

I knew this was coming and have been planning for this day for years. You see, as a single mom, almost every decision I have made has revolved around that date - when I went back to graduate school, when I graduated, what jobs I have taken. Because not only would I be able to work full time and not worry about day care (worry as in I HATE it), but my alimony also ended on that date. So being able to support us was pretty high on my list of priorities...

Max started first grade on a Monday...and on Tuesday I got a baby.

I wasn't looking for one. I wasn't on a list. But a young family member made a completely selfless and courageous decision to offer her little girl a better life...

What do you say when someone puts a baby in your arms?

Yes, I took the baby. I'm scared. For lots of reasons and not the least of them being whether or not the mom will change her mind. I'm not sure I could handle losing another daughter.

My sister and her kids live with me because she is fighting breast cancer. After chemo and radiation for almost a year, she had her other mastectomy last week and is starting to move around better, but she still has several surgeries and a lot of recovery time. She will need a job. She's scared.

I'm very scared. And the bottom line is that I'm really afraid to trust God. The week before the baby, the bank denied our modification, so we will have to find a new place to live soon.

If all of this sounds like I'm looking for pity, I'm not. Life happens to everyone, I hear a lot of it everyday! But, sometimes you just need to say it all, so someone can witness that you are struggling.

I know that God is bigger than all of our circumstances and I trust him more now than I have in years...but I feel it is still leap years away from where I want my relationship to be with him. Anyone have any suggestions?

And a final, completely unrelated note, I have no idea where I want to take this blog!