Saturday, May 30, 2009


I ate my dinner tonight standing up in my kitchen. Very Must Love Dogs-ish. But I have to say that tonight I even surpassed my own patheticness. I ate ice cream for dinner. Out of the carton. Standing up in my kitchen. In my striped pajamas.

I have experienced many changes in my life all at once. Some of them are too painful and private to talk about here, but I feel that sometimes I want to crawl out of my skin. Tonight is one of those nights.

I don't have my boys here. (I always have a hard time on the weekends I don't have my kids.) I don't have any homework. (Weird! I haven't turned my computer on in almost a week!) My back is out, so I have been laying on the floor for the last two days, despite a trip to the chiropractor. My sister's hair started falling out this weekend. And I just terribly hurt someone I deeply care about....

However, I am trying to reach out and make new friends. I called a couple girls and we went to a huge block sale this morning. I came back with some great finds including a screen door for my sister's room, a fabulous mirror, a new (well old) chair for my new desk and a couple of other great things... I'm trying to train myself to focus on the positives!

Thursday, May 21, 2009


I graduated! We had record breaking heat of 107...but I have my Masters!

I don't know really how this happened...but I somehow finished grad school, at least for right now! This really seems sureal to me especially since this took so much for me and my family to get here.

I also have a job! I can't start work until I get my internship lisence which could take anywhere from 1-6 months. This job is so perfect for me and our lives right now, I couldn't have asked for anything better. It is around the corner from my house, it is part time and I get to set my own hours. I can be home for the boys when they get out of school and I can be close for my sister during her chemo. The only downside is that it doesn't have benefits, but it gives me time!

And even the waiting is going to be good for me and my family. I finally get to relax, spend some much needed time with the kids and maybe even get my house cleaned. Since my sister's family moved in while I was trying to finish up my thesis, things are pretty scattered and discombobulated right now, some organization will feel so good!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Glass half-full or half-empty?

I didn’t used to be a glass half-empty person. But recently I have had it pointed out by the two people in my life who know me best. Last night while talking with one of them, I mentioned that I have realized I have become the half-empty person and I didn’t like it. She replied by saying that I wasn’t a glass is half-empty person – no, I didn’t even have a glass and the water was running over the table and on the floor!

I didn’t realize my depression had gotten that bad. I knew I was depressed, but I guess it has gotten to the proportions that there is absolutely no hiding it and it is affecting those around me. I really try to be up around people. I can’t do it for long and then retreat back into my bedroom or backyard, but I thought I was hiding it fairly well. I don’t want to feel like this, but I know from experience that if I just push it down and pretend like everything’s fine – it will get worse. Sometimes life is good; and sometimes it sucks. Unfortunately, life really sucks right now for many reasons and the only way to get over it is to go through it.

There are some great things going on in my life right now too. I am graduating with my Master’s degree in less than two weeks.
I got a job!
Spring has hung around for more than a week, and I can still go outside without passing out from the heat!
My garden is still growing.
My chickens are laying (well two of them). My little chickens all lived to be teenagers. (If anyone has any ideas to keep my hens quiet in the morning, I would appreciate the tips. They baack, every morning around 6, REALLY LOUD. Since they are illegal, I don’t want a neighbor to report me and have to give them up.)
My ex-husband is continuing to pay family support.
I bought a fabulous dress for graduation at my favorite store.
I found a huge wind chime on clearance that is actually chiming!
My boys are beautiful, wonderful and sweet!
I am writing my last paper of graduate school!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Bad Day

Yesterday was a bad day for many reasons...In reality I have been having a lot of bad days lately, but after seveal in row things start to take on gigantic proportions. So after a long day, I am getting ready to take the boys to their dad's for the weekend, I realize that the boys have locked my keys in the car. Not that big a deal really. Just get my extra set...oh wait. Those are in the glovebox after Darrin's kids accidently locked the car with it running...I don't have AAA. I can't afford a locksmith. The dealership can make me a key for $3 that will only open the door. Great!!! That's all I need since I can see my keys...All they need is proof of valid registration. Wait, by law that is IN my car.
"Well, then ma'am, we can't help you."
"How am I suppossed to show you my registration if it is locked in my car, because BY LAW it has it be in there?"
"I don't know."
"Can I talk to your manager?"
"He's left for the night." Of course he has!
"Can I bring in my registration paperwork and proof of insurance?"
"No, it has to be a valid registration."
So, I call the other Honda dealership in town. I get a very nice man who actually understands the absurdity of the situation. He will work with me. I can bring in my registration paperwork, my proof of insurance and my drivers liscense...which is in my car. Okay, how about my passport? That'll work! Except my mom boxed up everything in my office when my sister and her family moved in a couple of weeks ago...and I have no idea where my current passport is...
"Will you be there in the morning?"
"No, but somebody will help you."
I sat on the kitchen floor and cried. Because it is just too much...and the odds of getting someone in the parts department who will understand and be willing to help me tomorrow are not that great.
So, tomorrow morning I am going to borrow my sister's car, drive to the dealership accross town with my registration paperwork, my insurance information, my old passport with my maiden name and a copy of my marriage certificate - because I know where those things are and I really can't afford a locksmith!
Because I am graduating in two weeks, I have to have all of my final papers and work in by Monday. This weekend the boys were supposed to be at their dad's...perfect for me! I can lock myself in my bedroom and type away. When I called him to see if he could pick them up instead of me dropping them off:
"Oh, didn't I tell you that I will be out of town this weekend for a marathon?"
"I'm sorry, I thought we talked about it already."
I plan my life very differently when I am alone. I don't cook. I was planning on having a brownie and a glass of milk for dinner and finish making my edits to my thesis...growing boys need dinner, and a bath, and attention from mommy that I absolutely love to give - it just doesn't get my homework done!
Oh, I also have a job interview tomorrow!!!

Friday, May 1, 2009


I have tons of snails this year in my front yard. My backyard is patrolled by chickens and they are keeping the snails under control at least in appearances. However, my front yard is a different matter. Last week, Max and I picked a few cupfuls of snails and gave them to the chickens as a nice breakfast. This was after they ate the kids marigolds and my New Mexico Big Jim pepper plants.

I can't walk out to my car in the morning without stepping on at least a few snails. But in all honesty I do go out of my way to step on them. Any that are unlucky enough to be on the pathway get a quick crunch and those that I can quickly pick up, get thrown in the street.

This afternoon it started raining which is strange for this time of year and they decided to come out en masse. The boys took out my two largest Tupperware bowls and between my yard and my neighbors front yard, they completely filled the bowls. And I mean FILLED! I should have taken a picture before they dumped them for the chickens, but I was trying to relax in the bathtub after a very difficult day...

It took them about 20 minutes to collect all of these...gross, hunh?