Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Letting Go

I have been in a season of loss for a while now. I keep asking God when is this going to be over?! But there hasn't been an answer yet. Letting go of people, babies, relationships, behaviors and dreams.
A dear friend told me that I'm not the same person he knew years ago. Part of me wanted to rejoice and say thank you God! And part of me wanted to grieve, because the things that have changed me and shaped me have not been fun or enjoyable or wanted and seriously wouldn't wish them on anyone. I am changed. For the better? I hope so. But only God can answer that one.
I do know that God is using to speak into other's lives. Other's that have landed on a similar path.

This season of loss is still here. I am currently saying goodbye to my house. Even writing that sentence is hard and the lump in my throat is growing every second. This is MY house. This is the house I came to after burying a baby. This is the house I came home to with Max in my arms. This is the house my boys learned to walk in. climb in and on top of. I have touched every part of this house and yard and made it mine. Even tearing out bathrooms with my own hands and rebuilding. God and I re-built my life here.

Not all of the memories here are good, but it's where our life happened. I've started going through the cabinets. Getting things ready for a garage sale. Started packing. Blessing others with things. This is all just stuff, right?

So, if this is all just stuff, why is there this ache in my heart? Why are tears streaming down my face? Tears that I try to hide from the boys. Tears that burn my cheeks? Tears that I'm all too familiar with. This is the best thing for us, I tell them. So, why does it hurt so much?

Sometimes dreams are the hardest to lose. How do you grieve your dreams? No one can see them. There is nothing to point to. There are no hallmark cards. But they linger on. The loss of dreams is the loss of hope. And that is not what God is about. He brings hope.

So here I am at the brink of something new. And scary. And unknown. A time for new dreams to be made. A time for giving my dreams to God and saying, "here you go." I wonder what you are going to do with these. But here they are.

I read a fabulous post the other day about turning our worries into wonder. Instead of thinking "what if...." turn it into "I wonder how God is going to..."
I wonder how God is going heal my heart.
I wonder how God is going redeem my dreams.
I wonder who he is going to bring into my life.

I wonder where he is leading me.

He is so much bigger than me; and thank God he is!! He is bigger than anything I can do to mess things up.

"I will restore to you the years that the locusts have eaten." Joel 2:25

Thursday, January 20, 2011


Words have power.

Words tear down or lift up.

Words are art.

Words created the universe.

Words are healing.
In the beginning was the Word.
For awhile I have been thinking about this - words, writing, this blog. Why did I start it? Because it was a fad and everyone else was doing it? To keep in touch with family? Because I love to write? Because I have to write even if it is never published?

I write all day. Mostly in my head. And wow, I write really good stuff in there! By the time I make it to a pencil or the computer, most of the best stuff is gone...

But, I stopped.

I told myself that part of that was grief. I didn’t want to come back and write about losing another baby. I didn’t want to write about the pain. The hate. The ache. The stolen dreams.

However, that is not really true. I write to deal with life. With grief. It helps me process.

The honest answer to why I stopped writing, was that no one was reading. I wanted someone to like me. I wanted someone to approve. Someone to tell me it was good. but, what if writing itself is the point?

What if writing is an act of worship? What if creating whether it is writing, painting, parenting, gardening is a gift and a responsibility from God? What if no one sees? No one notices? Doesn’t it still matter? It is in the quiet of our hearts and minds and souls that God works. usually without anyone seeing. We hope people notice, but that is not the point.
The point is worship. The point is that this is who I am.

I create to heal.

I create because I can’t help myself.

I create because I love beauty.

I create because God created me to.

So, I will continue to write. To share. To cry. To laugh. Because readers and followers aren’t the point.

Creating is.

What this looks likes going forward? Who knows? I do know that it will be from my heart.