Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Letting Go

I have been in a season of loss for a while now. I keep asking God when is this going to be over?! But there hasn't been an answer yet. Letting go of people, babies, relationships, behaviors and dreams.
A dear friend told me that I'm not the same person he knew years ago. Part of me wanted to rejoice and say thank you God! And part of me wanted to grieve, because the things that have changed me and shaped me have not been fun or enjoyable or wanted and seriously wouldn't wish them on anyone. I am changed. For the better? I hope so. But only God can answer that one.
I do know that God is using to speak into other's lives. Other's that have landed on a similar path.

This season of loss is still here. I am currently saying goodbye to my house. Even writing that sentence is hard and the lump in my throat is growing every second. This is MY house. This is the house I came to after burying a baby. This is the house I came home to with Max in my arms. This is the house my boys learned to walk in. climb in and on top of. I have touched every part of this house and yard and made it mine. Even tearing out bathrooms with my own hands and rebuilding. God and I re-built my life here.

Not all of the memories here are good, but it's where our life happened. I've started going through the cabinets. Getting things ready for a garage sale. Started packing. Blessing others with things. This is all just stuff, right?

So, if this is all just stuff, why is there this ache in my heart? Why are tears streaming down my face? Tears that I try to hide from the boys. Tears that burn my cheeks? Tears that I'm all too familiar with. This is the best thing for us, I tell them. So, why does it hurt so much?

Sometimes dreams are the hardest to lose. How do you grieve your dreams? No one can see them. There is nothing to point to. There are no hallmark cards. But they linger on. The loss of dreams is the loss of hope. And that is not what God is about. He brings hope.

So here I am at the brink of something new. And scary. And unknown. A time for new dreams to be made. A time for giving my dreams to God and saying, "here you go." I wonder what you are going to do with these. But here they are.

I read a fabulous post the other day about turning our worries into wonder. Instead of thinking "what if...." turn it into "I wonder how God is going to..."
I wonder how God is going heal my heart.
I wonder how God is going redeem my dreams.
I wonder who he is going to bring into my life.

I wonder where he is leading me.

He is so much bigger than me; and thank God he is!! He is bigger than anything I can do to mess things up.

"I will restore to you the years that the locusts have eaten." Joel 2:25

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